Wednesday, February 14, 2007

"Gosh! My Goodness!"

Hereby, The Mt. Washington BrainTrust & PipeClub looks at Mitt Romney:

This polished specimen of political plastic, described by dear Lady Rivera as “hot,” begins with gusto...
“Gosh!” “My Goodness!” “It warms my heart…” “You know my Dad…” His dad was an old Governor of Michigan, I think. Supposed to have done a lot to help schools in MI. Michigan is where poor Mitt was reared. This apparently necessitates him repeatedly and annoyingly talking about “Michiganders.” Mitt was named after his dad’s favorite piece of sporting equipment, (I’m making that part up.) But he seems just as skilled at clever deception, as he feigns surprise at his own candidacy announcement. “Gosh!” The Mannequin brings up both proud and terribly endearing family information (big family = lots of Bamboozling, if you know what I mean.) He never stops smiling. Like a ‘Ken’ doll infused with life, he pauses between each grandiose assertion to showboat his perfect teeth and greased hair with that special twinkle in his eye. The Mannequin certainly has the look to be president.

Mind you, he throws his official presidential announcement gala as he puts on a Car Show. He’s standing in front of a classic Ford, a giant SUV (a hybrid supposedly) and an airplane. He informs us that down the hall is Rosa Parks’ bus. (Heaven forbid he get that in the shot.)

The Mannequin wants to “Slay gas guzzling dinosaurs.” So beware all you SUV owners. Mitt is coming. He drops in the word ‘innovation’ like he’s getting paid royalties for every time it is spoken. He mentions schools about half as much (at least he mentions them.)
He denounces lifetime politicians. And is obviously a classic self-loather, attempting to forget his time as Governor, and an unsuccessful bid for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat. He doubts the experience of politicians, instead praising business. Which isn’t surprising since he was the CEO of the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City, huh? Why would he be there? hmmm..

God. He talked a lot about God. Even spoke of “children of God.” Then he rolls through his entire belief list, as follows:

*Family- needs protecting (umm.. that means no gays), marriage before childbirth
*Sanctity of human life- (that is his brand new way of avoiding the fact that he was a pro-choice candidate when elected as Massachusetts governor, and now that he has to be taken seriously on a national level he is running as a Pro-lifer)
*Judges- hate them (because judges like gays)
*Borders- Secure them (this is a hard argument to make without sounding racist, no illegal homosexuals either)
*”Believe, Believe, Believe!”

Well it sounds like he’s vying with Robot Brownback to grab the conservative Christian block. Indeed, my wife suggested that the Mannequin has had to lean way Right just to appeal to the Robot Senator’s base. But wait, what’s that?! He’s not Christian?!?! Say it ain’t so. He is a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Mormon! I was only informed of this after seeing his campaign announcement. He’s a good social conservative religious type. Unfortunately I don’t think good backwater Christians will even attempt to hear his message, even if it is exactly the same as theirs. Christians are pretty serious about the Jesus part of the story.

The real crown of the speech is his portion about “Radical Jihad & Nuclear Epidemic.” Yeah, I was excited about this part, too. Looks like he is just as willing to stir up good fear-mongering as the current President, making a laundry list of international threats:

*An “aspiring tyrant” in our own Hemisphere (Hugo Chavez over Raul Castro, I’d imagine)
*Iraq’s civil war (my words, not his.) And he says that staying the war would be the “wisest choice.” I suppose there can be differing definitions of ‘wisest’, nonetheless, I must disagree.
*He even brings up that Turkey would be pissed to see an independent Kurdistan. He’s just making trouble up now.

A pan shot of the audience shows a Muslim girl, in traditional head dress, looking scared.

The Mannequin goes on to Pontificate about the need of Military Might.

A bunch of black people corralled into a corner hesitantly and unenthusiastically clap when the camera closes in. They’re probably all too aware of the incredibly high percentage of minorities that make up the troops being led to the Iraqi slaughter he supports.

The Mannequin stresses the value and importance of work being done in the home, especially parents and caregivers (as long as you are not gay).

We see some twenty-something girls in the audience, most of them bespectacled with erudite glasses, looking bored. Old white balding men seem riveted.

Then at the end they shove some babies at him and he attempts not to drop them while a press core in heat snaps photo after photo. He feverishly hurries to get off stage, however the only way out is through the fevered masses (ok they weren’t really fevered). The Mannequin is polite the whole time. He pretends to know everyone there. He comments to many, “Wow! You came the whole way out here?!” And as we see the crowd we make a realization, except for the few minorities piled into the room for PR purposes, every one there is Mormon. “We prayed for you” some woman says. Another asks “Will you be campaigning in Utah?” My guess is that’s the one group of religious folk he’s not worried about voting for him.

“Absolutely!” the Mannequin smiles. He’ll make a great VP someday.


Mount Washington Brain Trust & Pipe Club said...

Protect the family? My family is fine, thank you. I'd like to see how many straight divorces have happened because of the gay people that have been allowed to marry.

On the other hand, maybe they should start taking a look at how many families - American & Iraquis - have been destroyed because of the Iraq war. Why isn't that on the platform?

And finally, I will say - the Mannequin is pretty handsome. For a crazy. ( I mean, Kurdistan? Really?)

Mount Washington Brain Trust & Pipe Club said...

Don't you go pissing off the Kurds either!

As for hot man on man marriage, I'd rather see lesbian unions.