Monday, February 12, 2007

Beware of Robots

Hereby, the Mt. Washington BrainTrust & PipeClub joins the campaign inquiry by giving profiles of the presidential hopefuls this year. I hope my colleagues join me in evaluating each character… oh I mean candidate.

The first prostitutes himself as Senator Brownback of Kansas. He was elected in that rectangularist of states, but it remains unclear where exactly he was manufactured. Ooops! Did I let it out? Better just lay it out there; I believe the Senator is a Robot.

My expert analysis comes from the most unlikely of places for personal inspiration: C-SPAN.
C-SPAN is either a brilliant and subtly clever network, or they have really just lowered their airing standards. Some self-proclaimed “Right Wing Talk Radio” host, Kevin Cohen, strokes the good Senator’s campaign platform like it’s Aladdin’s lamp, in this attempt to, what could be loosely described as, interview the most vile of American products: the Robot Senator.

When asked the first softball question about his feelings about America, the Senator Robot responds, “A lot of people to contact.” That, my friends, is no human response. He is an artificial being, created solely to stand in front of cameras and spout a platform so far outside the bounds of reason or sensibility, that it appeals to the largest portion of one-issue voters. "Must contact humans." (said in Robot voice. )

Then, he talked about the weather a bit. This feign was to show that he has human senses. But take no mind, it is indeed a ruse.

Throughout the segment the Robot spit out Iowa town names at timed intervals, in case someone from that not quite so rectangular state might decide to give him and extra + or -1 point in the one primary he may actually stand a chance to win. He also digitally calculated random mentions of past and present democrats so as to win over their republican haters: Howard Dean, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Barak Obama.. His programming needs a bit of updating, apparently mistaking these people with the actual rivals he has at this point like Giuliani, McCain, Romney, and Huckabee. (And that’s just in his own party.)

At this point I gained an amazing respect for C-SPAN’s often boring habit of keeping the camera rolling, even when most stations would have happily cut to commercial. The “right-wing talk radio” station indeed cut to commercial, while C-SPAN taped.

Kevin Cohen begins talking to the Senator. Knowingly or not, he teases some amazing statements from the Robot, with Borat ease, getting him to say things because the Robot does not realize that even though the microphone is off, C-SPAN watches. The Robot defends his candidacy because running for president is “More doable now than ever before.” And spewing on about how “Campaigns have changed” Agreed. Campaigns used to have qualified candidates. “I think I’m gonna wear well,” the Robot attempts his best hick accent. “I have a strong and clear message.” “I’m strong on the issues.” Unfortunately ‘Issues’ usually have nothing to do with government policy, and especially government intervention. Most issues speak to some of the most hopelessly narrowly minded people, unable to relate to anything but a single issue. I hate that the Robot Senator is able to both plead about the life of an unborn fetus, yet support war in Iraq, which costs innumerable lives. He goes on about the need for strong families, then in the next breath denies the legitimacy of families unless they submit to the criteria that the robot has been pre-programmed with.

The Robot says to the DJ, off-air, of course, but C-SPAN sees all, “to come through here you have to speak a different language.” His Pro-life programming actually knows the real issues. He explains to the DJ the issues that he admits lost his party in the last election. He spouts them to the DJ off-air: the war, spending, and government corruption. Yet as soon as they go back on air, his perfectly synchronized data boards go right back to key push button social hot spots. Speaking their “different language.”

He did have two good ideas. He seems excited about natural energy sources, namely corn-derivatives. Well, he knows the heartland loves that. He also didn’t sound like too much of a racist when talking about immigration. His programming is somewhat endearing; what with the accent, perfectly combed hair, and never breaking half-smile.

He has about the same chance of becoming president as two other no names, Huckabee and Romney.


evan said...

I like, I like, I like, I like, I like the idea. My apologies, my comment program must have a glitch in it.

My human master would like me to pass along the message that there should be an ampersand in place of the and in our name mentioned at the beginning of the blog.

Transmission over.

Lord Johnson said...

Indeed, some hasty errors I have just seen need a quick edit. Advice taken.

I just don't know how I'm going to find the scoop on the other yahoos running. I guess I'm going to have to pay more attention to C-SPAN and other outlets. yawn.

evan said...

Meet the press with Tim Russert on at 10:30am (i know a bit early) usually has one of the presidential hopefuls as his guests. Or at least some jerk off from either side talking about the candidates. Or you could lower yourself to watching fox news and learn about all the "issues" the candidates will be "tackling".

evan said...

Corn-derivative fuels, awesome, maybe the Nixon administration's fence post to fence post agricultural program can be reinstated.

Lady Rivera said...

Ok, 10:30 is early? Early for what? I'm assuming you're not suggesting that you're normally asleep for that because you are a student who gets to sleep in. Because if that's the case, I hate you.

Blog-specific though, Brownback is scary. He blocked a judicial nominee because she attended a same-sex union in Massachussetts. Didn't preside over it. Didn't attend in a state where it was "illegal." Just attended her neighbor's wedding. I mean, she's going to hell, but blocking her nomination? That seems a bit extreme, don't you think?

evan said...

Let me clarify the 10:30am thing, it's on Sunday, a bit early for a Sunday.

Maybe Brownback should hire Tim Hardaway as his campaign manager. Nothing like someone stating on the air "I hate gay people".

No beating around the bush, no John Edwards "I'm just not there yet", no "I don't agree with it, but I respect their freedom to choose", just straight up "I hate gay people". Amazing stuff.

I'm beginning to wonder if over-population is actually making us more stupid overall. If this is the case, it's is a great reason to support homosexuality. For population control that is. Most people could probably swallow that pill better than my idea of making automobiles more dangerous. Keep America Intelligent should be their new motto.