Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Rapid Fire Pittsburgh News 9/16
Item: Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, famous for a variety of blunders from remarking on "Man on Dog" sex to involving the government in the Terri Schiavo case, has announced his presidential aspirations for the 2012 election. With the nation underwhelmed by the announcement, I am reminded of Dan Savage's coining of the term "santorum" to refer to the bodily excretions resulting from anal sex.
Item: Twenty-two members of a drug smuggling ring, including 9 American Airline employees have been arrested for drug smuggling out of Luiz Munoz Marin International Airport in San Juan Puerto Rico. Lady Rivera has yet to comment. Puerto Rican!
Item: Break out your Captain America suits! (Oh, am I the only one that has one of those?) Pittsburgh City Council has rejected its ban on masks during the upcoming G20 summit. Now I can greet those world leaders in style.
Item: Steelers' Safety Ryan Clark on the fence about whether or not to play in Denver. After losing his spleen, gall bladder, and thirty pounds during his last trip to Mile-High Stadium, Clark also found, in his own words, that "my lungs had filled, my kidneys were dented, and my stomach was closing." And he's unsure whether he'll make a return appearence. Now that's what I call Stillers football! Guy damages most of his organs due to Denver's rarified air sparking an existent blood condition, and he still might go back and play! Dude's tough! or dumb.
"You have two choices here: You either put the guns down... or we all start shooting."
By Lord Johnson